


Loyalties

by demonsonthemoon



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Gen, Newt has mental health issues, Post-Operation Pitfall (Pacific Rim), dealing with the consequences of the drift + military hierarchy, so please tell me if my writing is being shitty on that front, thank you, which are not mental health issues that I deal with
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-13 10:21:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9119368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonsonthemoon/pseuds/demonsonthemoon
Summary: Parts of them want to stay.Other parts of them are screaming that they should leave.Or: Newt and Hermann, post-Operation Pitfall, come to realise that the military hierarchy might not want what's best for them.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Forever ago I had a conversation about Newt's anti-authoritarian tendencies with dizzyondreams. This fic was inspired by that conversation, then forgotten in the wrong folder and never published. Oops.

There is urgency in Newton's voice as he talks. Urgency, and fear. Or maybe it is all just mania? Hermann isn't sure.

Maybe the fear is his.

"But we _have_ to get out of here, because once they stop partying and realise that things aren't actually _over_ they're gonna _kill_ us. Metaphorically. Or not. I'm not sure yet. But I am sure that if we stay here we are going to go through a bad time that will be anything but metaphorical and I _need_ you on this, Hermann, I _need_ you."

It isn't just the words in themselves that scare Hermann. It's the fact that he understands what they mean. He wants to put his hands on Newton's shoulders and hold him in place, stop him from pacing around the room like this. But if he does that, Newton will lash out, he is certain of it.

He and Hermann, they know each other in the most intimate way possible. There is nothing hidden between them, not after a drift that strong, and all their fears are laid bare.

Newton's biggest fear, Hermann knows, is to lose himself.

It has taken many forms over the years, this fear. At first it meant holding on to his certainties, to the truths that he had been spoon-fed as universal. Then it had meant living every new part of himself he discovered at its fullest, it had meant re-inventing himself in a thousand ways and defying the universe. And it had also meant crying and screaming and begging for people not to leave him, because Newton doesn't know how to _be_ if there isn't anyone around, and Hermann remembers in duplicate what it had felt like when the letters had stopped coming, when « Dr. Hermann Gottlieb » had become just another face Newt wanted to forget. Hermann doesn't want to think too much about what he had meant to his colleague before their disastrous first meeting.

Newton is scared to lose himself, and when he says « They're gonna kill us », Hermann knows that this is what he means. If the world governments or the old PPDC realise fully what Newton and Hermann have done, what their drift really means, they will want to recreate it.

Twice already, Newton has felt his whole identity be stripped away and merged with that of other beings.

Hermann wants to scream.

« I'm leaving with you, » he says instead. It demands almost all of his energy to keep his voice even and cold, but he knows that this is what Newton needs right now, so he clenches his teeth through it. « We'll leave Hong Kong as soon as possible, we'll leave before they realise that they can keep us here. »

Newton turns towards him and stares. « Hansen ? », he ends up asking, half a whisper.

Hermann shakes his head, feeling the need to physically clear it. He cannot afford to think like himself today.

« We won't tell him anything. »

Newton used to laugh at him, at his respect of authority, his almost comical submission and blind faith. Hermann now knows that what had felt like mockery was in fact more disbelief.

Hermann had chosen to believe in a system.

Newton had never had that choice.

Authority had never known better for him, had never supported him, had never _listened_ to him. And who could blame them, he was just an 18 year old with a Master's degree, at that time. Newton's distrust for authority didn't begin as political. At first it was just survival.

And now there is this clash in Hermann's brain, and probably in Newton's too, this battle between two ways of thinking viscerally engraved in _who they were._ But Newton's instinct is right this time, they cannot risk warning anyone, because if just one word of their idea dropped into the wrong ear, they would find themselves locked in Hong Kong.

If they don't leave, they will end up as test subjects.

It cannot happen.

And so Hermann prepares to pack his bags, to leave yet another Shatterdome, another temporary home. He is relieved, somewhat, that he will get to settle down again after all this. But mostly he is scared.

Newton's anxiety seems to have contaminated him, and he is slowly starting to realise what all this could mean. He remembers the days when Drift technology still wasn't fully developed. Mostly he remembers the dead bodies.

« Actually, we should leave now. »

Hermann goes to stand up, but Newton pushes him back down, shaking his head wildly. « No, no, no, no, no. We can't, we can't, we can't, there aren't any planes working tonight, they closed the airports to celebrate and mourn, we can't leave now. »

They haven't slept in nearly two days. It would have been stupid to take a plane in this state anyway. And he doesn't even know where they would have gone in the first place.

They should rest first. That is the logical thing to do. It was the logical thing to do from the start.

But instead they had both come back to their lab, because this had felt like the best place to talk alone and have some quiet.

Hermann has a suspicion he will be unable to sleep.

He doesn't even need to look at Newton to know that he is thinking the same thing.

But they have no other choice, not if they want to pretend that they're fine, fine enough that people do not ask questions, do not even notice them.

« We need to sleep, » Hermann says, his voice low.

« I know, » Newton replies. He closes his eyes and clenches his fists. « I don't think I can. »

Hermann wants to reach out, but isn't sure whether it would be allowed. So he clenches his left fist too, while his right hand is busy rubbing the top of his cane.

« I know, » he says instead. « It's not fair. None of this is fair. »

They haven't even taken the time to celebrate. They have just won the War, and still they are both fighting for their lives.

Newton starts pacing again, though his strides are smaller than before. His head is turned to the ceiling as if he were about to cry. « Where are we supposed to go now ? What are we supposed to do ? We have to leave, but we can't leave. There's nothing outside. There's nothing. »

Hermann realises now that he is not the only one who has come to rely on the comfort of strict hierarchy. Newton has been working for the PPDC for years too, and despite his challenging attitude, he has come to feel at home in its system.

Hermann thinks that it is mostly thanks to Marshall Pentecost, to the fact that he had kept them fighting when the governments had stepped back. He had called them the Resistance.

So yes, Newton had finally started to understand the comfort that hierarchy could bring. He had finally known what it felt like for people to believe in him, to defend him, to fight for him even. Because Newton had been an asset, had earned his place, and for the first time he had been rewarded for that, had been valued for that.

And Hermann thought that maybe he had let his guard down, had started to take the easier path and let himself be guided by orders, and that maybe all of this was what made it so difficult for him both to leave and to stay.

Newton had started to trust the PPDC, and now he was forced to take back this trust and jump once again into the unknown.

It was overwhelming, this new knowledge. He was scared of how it would affect their relationship, as well as how it would affect each of them. There was just so much of Newton in him now, he was scared that he wouldn't always have the energy to differentiate between the two different personalities.

But whatever happened, it would be worse if they stayed. And yes, it was hard to leave like this, in secret, as traitors nearly instead of as heroes. But Hermann thought that he could learn to appreciate his colleague's way of thinking.

The only form of loyalty that matters, is the one you have for your own life.

And maybe that of those who matter to you.

« Come back to my room, please ? »

 


End file.
